A Letter to the President of the United States

CONFIDENTIAL & PERSONAL

April 20, 2006


Mr. George W. Bush
The President of the Unite States
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington D.C.


Dear George,

I’m so sorry to be writing at a time like this. I’m sure you’re busy. I just didn’t think that calling would be appropriate, and didn’t know what else to do. There are a couple of items that require your immediate attention, and obviously, no one else is pointing them out forcefully enough.

By the way, it’s worth mentioning that I supported you in the last election—argued vehemently with the Birkenstock crowd at every occasion—even watched a little Fox News. I bought in to the “it’s hard work” speech, and always believed that you, Dick, Rummy, and Condi would prevail at the end of the proverbial day. Michael Moore was a kook. Sure, you had made some mistakes in hindsight, but that’s to be expected in “a post-9/11 world,” right?

But, George… it’s getting a little nuts. And people are really starting to notice. Hasn’t Laura or your mom said anything? Democrats are shopping for homes in McLean, for God’s sake.

First of all, there’s Iraq. You said Saddam had a death ray and he didn’t. OK, fair enough. But then you started blabbering on about how we went to war for other reasons, like bringing freedom to an oppressed people, teaching Iraqi women to read, installing democracy, and crap like that. It sounded ridiculous at the time, but I think everyone just figured that it was the best you could come up with after telling the world the sky was falling when, in fact, it was doing no such thing.

Then we were treated to Polaroid photos of US soldiers having a little too much fun with their Iraqi prisoners. And while everyone understood that this was in no direct way your fault, it didn’t do much to inspire confidence in US capabilities to bring democracy anywhere. It’s not so much that the unconscionable behavior took place, more that those involved felt comfortable enough in what they were doing to make it a Kodak moment, as if the potential for being discovered or imprisoned was essentially nonexistent.

Then Condi had trouble defining “torture” while touring Europe, and the White House quickly coined the unforgettable term “extraordinary rendition” to refer to whisking “suspects” off to Eastern European prisons for “questioning”. And you followed up by making a case for illegal wiretapping, holding prisoners indefinitely without rights or charges, and defending whatever your administration had done as being in the country’s best interests.

Now the news of your unraveling seems to be coming weekly. Scooter testified that you and Dick are the ones that told him to leak information related to Ambassador Wilson and his lovely wife Valerie. Your response? “OK, I did it, but I was allowed to because I’m the President.” Well, fuck you George. That’s nonsense and you know it. Nor is it the salient point. You said back then that you had no idea who was leaking such information, and that heads would roll when you found out. You called for an investigation. And as it turns out… it was you the whole time. That’s kind of a problem for most folks, George, regardless of what they’re saying on Fox News these days.

To give you an idea of just how bad things are in your administration, one of your key guys was recently arrested for child molestation, and another basically for shoplifting… and it barely made the evening news. I think it’s safe to say that after we all saw the antique dealer you put in charge of FEMA make a real mess of Katrina, our expectations of your hiring skills were, let’s just say, greatly diminished.

And, while we’re on the topic of Katrina… what in the world were you thinking there. You and Dick were on vacation, and Condi was shopping for shoes on 5th Avenue? You dipped down to 1000 feet and looked at the devastation from Air Force One? John Travolta seemed to be able to fly in with supplies for the people, but you couldn’t get them any help? Even when you apologized on television you looked like you were swallowing castor oil.

If you want to know how badly you screwed up Katrina, simply consider that if the same storm had hit during Regan’s or Clinton’s presidency, they’d have made a TV movie of either President’s valor and commitment. Ronny would have been standing in water up to his ass, helping lift sandbags, while Nancy would have been serving coffee to firemen and baking cookies. Bill Clinton would have been lifting little black babies and old folks off the roofs of submerged houses, kissing each one and tearing up as he talked about the bravery of the people. You looked out the window of your custom designed 747 while sipping coffee and waiting for Dick to get out of his favorite trout stream and take your call.

Now you’ve puffed out your chest once again and Iran is developing nuclear power anyway. Now what, George? Need the help of the “soon to become irrelevant” United Nations, do you? Is Iran an “immanent threat” too? Sanctions look unlikely; the idea of military force is a farce. What now? I never thought I’d see the day, but China and Russia are issuing statements “urging caution” and sounding much more reasonable than the good old USA. If I didn’t know better, I’d be looking around for the rabbit hole into which I obviously have fallen.

Rummy, of course, has managed to piss off so many people in the military that it’s down right surreal. Generals… General Officers of the United States Armed Forces are on television saying the Secretary of Defense should resign. If I hadn’t seen and heard it with my very own eyes and ears, I wouldn’t have believed it. I seem to remember some of your clan complaining that the anti-war rhetoric was hurting our troops and harming the war effort—some of Ted Kennedy’s and Bill Clinton’s statements come to mind, among many others. Perhaps you should stop worrying about them, and start worrying about the impact of what appears to be nothing short of mutiny, Mr. Christian.

Yes, you are the “decider”. You get to decide. But over here, if we don’t like the way our President’s “deciding,” we get to decide some things as well. Maybe not today, but sooner rather than later.

Dick actually shot a guy while hunting and then waited something like 14 hours to report the event to the media. Even teenage children I know asked if the reason he waited was that he was drunk when it happened. And if he wasn’t… well, then he’s the dumbest sonofabitch the great State of Wyoming has ever produced. He got booed while throwing out the first ball at a baseball game… booed. I can’t remember the last time this country cared enough about a VP to boo him… Spiro Agnew, I suppose.

The worst part is that your troubles appear only to be beginning. You’re clearly in way over your head, and it’s starting to show. If the Dems gain control of the House in the midterms, you’re goose is almost certainly cooked. The war in Iraq looks unsolvable, even conservative talk show host, Bill O’Reilly is calling for our withdrawal by this coming December. Never mind that Afghanistan is far from over, and that peace in the Middle East seems about as likely as you and Laura dancing at a gay wedding.

Oh, and one more thing… Did you really handle the whole UAE port thing the way you did? Incredible. First you defended it like it was your own, then you admitted that you only found out about it a few days before? So, when you defended it, you didn’t know shit about it? Really? Who’s grand strategy was that? You ran around the country for two weeks trying to tell people that it was a good idea for an Arab nation to manage our major ports?

If they tried, Hollywood couldn’t come up with this stuff. The UAE? You mean the country that recently gave Hammas $50 million? Hammas… you know the organization you have identified as being a “terrorist” organization? Does that make the UAE with us, or agin’ us? I’m confused.

I’m not even going to bring up the immigration debacle. Or the deficit spending. Or your mission to reform Social Security. Or your “mandate”. Or your stance on Roe vs. Wade. Or your veto-free record that passes pro-business legislation without apology. It’s just too painful. You’ve managed to reach a point that I’ve never seen a president reach before. Even Democrats are reticent to criticize too harshly for fear of overstating the obvious. And replacing personnel at this stage in the game is certain to be seen as the same circus with different clowns.

Let’s just face it. Osama is long gone. Iraq is too. Hammas now leads the Palestinians. North Korea is still led by a well-armed lunatic. And Iran is building things nuclear. The Scooter thing is only going to get worse. And Tom Delay is running around the country splitting the Republican Party right down the middle, which of course is traditionally the job of Senator John McCain. You’re circling the drain, Mr. President, and you better get things going in another direction PDQ.

I couldn’t leave you without making a few suggestions:

1. Stop talking about Saddam and his WMD. It’s soooo 2003. No one cares anymore. You thought he had them; he didn’t… so what. Ronald Regan wouldn’t be caught dead answering questions about something he fucked up three years after he did it, now would he? Just do what he did… wave your hand and dismiss the subject as being below you, then kiss Laura, pet the dog, and head for the Oval Office for a cup of hot chocolate.

2. Have Dick Cheny fall on a sword for Wilson and Plame. Scooter said it was Dick that told him that you said it was OK. Everyone that watches Law & Order knows that’s heresay. You never said it was OK; it was Cheny gone mad. He can retire early to a life of speeches, fly-fishing, and buckets of cash.

3. Go to the UN and beg them to help fix the mess in Iraq. Just say your sorry and explain that you were just scared to death at the time. They’ll understand.

4. Help Iran by supplying them with what they need to have nuclear power. They’re going to get it anyway. Everyone else has it. And maybe they won’t want to blow us up as much if we help them a little now.

5. Hire a writer from the Clinton administration. You’re Texas crew doesn’t play well on a national stage. Perhaps see what Carville or Begala are up to these days.

If none of these ideas resonates with you, then I do have another that might be pretty effective. Have one of the interns give you a blow job while flying on Air Force One, or better yet, bend one over the big desk in the Oval Office. I realize it’s been done before, but you could improve upon the whole thing by referring to her as “your bitch” and announcing that she’s going to have your baby because you didn’t want to pull out and risk creating another blue dress.

Betcha’ that would get the focus back where it belongs… on decaying morals and family values. Then the Christian Right could run another Bible-thumper for President. It may sound a little nutty at first, but as a registered Republican, it’s sobering to realize that that’s about the only way we’re going to see another Republican in the White House for a long time.

As I said in the beginning, I’m sorry to have to write to you in this tone and with this message. Please understand that I do it with love in my heart. Someone had to tell you the truth. You’re in really bad shape, so stop being so arrogant about things. And let me know if you want me to send over an “intern” for a private interview… I’d be honored to help in any way I can.


Sincerely yours,

Martin Andelman
An American Citizen