An Extraordinary Rendition

Last night my wife and I went to see the symphony orchestra at our local college perform an extraordinary rendition of Gustav Mahler’s Das Lied von der Erde. A few weeks ago, in keeping with the spirit of the upcoming holidays, we saw a beautiful rendition of the Nutcracker performed by a local opera company. And my own rendition of a couple of Bob Dylan songs on the guitar, while perhaps not rising to the level of being considered “extraordinary,” is considered by most to be pretty darn good.

Now, as I read the papers and watch what’s passing for “news” these days on television, I understand the U.S. Government and its all-star CIA Band is performing some extraordinary renditions of their own. When I first heard the news I thought, “Wow, and I didn’t even know the CIA had an interest in music. Isn’t it nice that they’re performing in Europe?”

Wasn’t I surprised to learn that, apparently, when the Bush administration uses the term “rendition,” they’re not talking about music or performance art. When they mention “rendition” they’re talking about apprehending suspects and secretly flying them off to be interrogated in the kind of Romanian prison that’s not going to be found in your Fodor’s Guide, should you be visiting the eastern block European countries anytime soon. As to what makes such a “rendition” an “extraordinary” one remains a tad unclear, but it may have something to do with being dunked in cold water while strapped to a chair.

Now, to be fair, this administration is far from being the first to mutilate the English language in an attempt to insult the educated and confuse the rest. I can remember hearing about a “nuclear device” in the 1960s, which I came to find out referred to “a bomb capable of destroying a fairly sizable piece of the world’s real estate”. Oh, and what was that quaint term used to describe the mess in Southeast Asia that produced little more than 65,000 American body bags? Oh yes, I remember it now… “police action”.

And, who among us could ever forget Bill Clinton explaining to his interrogators that the answer to their question depended on what the definition of “is” was. It didn’t play well in Poughkeepsie, and I can’t imagine such an answer would go over all that well with the CIA either. Thankfully, I’ve never been interrogated by the CIA, but from what I understand, those guys aren’t the types that enjoy debating the semantics of the English language with someone they’ve got duct-taped to a chair while a German Shepherd sniffs at their testicles.

OK, so they may not be the first, but that doesn’t make them any less funny, scary, or sad. Ever since 9/11, the Bush administration has been having a field day bastardizing the usage of common English words and terminology. Even the “War on Terror” itself is a war on an abstract noun.

How about the “Coalition of the Willing”. Well, it turns out that phrase, which for me conjures up images of American Red Cross volunteers, actually means “Us, the Brits, and 137 guys from Poland”. And, every time I hear Bush or Rummy saying that we’re “winning” the War on Terror, it makes me wonder exactly what “winning” now means. The infamous and hotly debated “Patriot Act” seems to only diminish the freedoms for which our country’s patriots have fought and died. And the Department of Homeland Security refers to a color chart proven about as accurate as the one available from the Crayola Company, and not being able to carry a lighter or tweezers on the flight to Chicago.

These days, the term “National Security” means “no longer a matter for discussion”. And it can’t be very long before Fox News starts referring to “white phosphorous” as “freedom powder” or some other such nonsense.

So, I had to find out precisely, what is a rendition? Perhaps, I thought optimistically, I’d been using the term incorrectly all these years. Well, according to my two dictionaries it is:
• An interpretation or performance of a piece of music or drama
• A translation of a literary work
• The act of translating something into another language (formal)
• A surrender (archaic)
• To reduce by heating
• To present or give what’s owed

The word “extraordinary” is primarily defined as:
• Very unusual and deserving attention and comment because of being wonderful, excellent, strange or shocking

So, you put the two words together and you get the administration’s new catch phrase “extraordinary rendition,” which I now understand actually denotatively means: “If you people are stupid enough to buy our shit, then we’re just going to keep shoveling it down your throat.” With an accompanying connotation of “We’re going to do whatever the f*#k we want under the guise of fighting the War on Terror, and there ain’t nothing you can do about it.”

Stand by, because there’s plenty more government inspired word games to come. Just this past week, Condi, serving as the administration’s proof that they are as open minded and friendly toward African Americans as was the Clinton administration, after being asked by numerous European governments about the our country’s definition of “torture,” is undoubtedly en route back to Washington D.C. to get the White House Wordsmiths working on it.

I’ve got a suggestion for them. How about this for a definition of torture: “Torture” – Being told by my government that the practice of secretly taking suspects to obscure locations in order to be able to act outside the bothersome constraints of U.S. laws – is nothing more than an “extraordinary rendition”.

Well, I can only say one word about that… "Bravo!"