On Our “National Language”…

You know, in order to keep your sanity in these United States these days, you have to try to ignore a certain amount of what goes on in Washington D.C. Otherwise, you’ll either find yourself thinking of relocation to Canada, or your head will explode.

The ongoing and imaginary saga being produced by Fox News, titled “The War on Christmas” comes to mind. Unless you’re consistently out of this country during the fourth quarter of the year, you can’t possibly think that Christmas is losing any ground here. The ultra-tacky retail décor and torrent of holiday ads get started just after Labor Day, for heaven’s sake. How much more Christmas could we possibly handle? If there is some sort of war on Christmas in this country, then Christmas is clearly kicking the other side’s butt, even though Bill O’Reilly may not think so.

Hillary Clinton’s rumored run for the White House in 2008 is another one. First of all, who cares? If she runs—well, good for her. If she doesn’t—well, good for her. Considering that we’ve never even come remotely close to having anything but a white male in the Oval Office, and that Hillary is about as polarizing as a candidate as could be imagined, discussing this as a possibility is about as useful as thinking we’ll be out of Iraq any time soon. Let’s just face it. We’re not electing a woman, a Jew, an African American, or any other minority to the US Presidency any time soon, okay? I don’t care how conservative Joe Lieberman gets—he’s still a Jew and enough said.

Lately the media has turned to bird flu in an attempt to scare us enough to actually watch something besides American Idol. Bird flu? Really? Best I can tell, according to the World Heath Organization, there have been about 216 reported cases of bird flu worldwide as of May 2006, and roughly half of them have been fatal. That’s about 110 deaths on a planet with 6.5 billion people living on it. That’s about the same number of folks in the US killed by Fire Ants each year, and I’ve never even seen a single story about Fire Ants in this country—frankly, didn’t even know we had Fire Ants in this country.

The fact is that if you start watching too much T.V. news, on top of reading the newspaper and listening to the radio as you drive, you can quickly find yourself scared to death about nothing, and mad as hell about even less. Turn the incendiary crap off and things start to look better almost immediately.

So, that being said, I try to ignore as much as possible in order to maintain some semblance of sanity, but this past week or two something came to my attention and I just can’t ignore it, although it unquestionably deserves to be completely ignored en masse. The issue is that of our “National Language,” which the Untied States Senate approved after a significant amount of debate and deliberation on May 18th 2006. Next this compelling piece of legislation will go to the House, where our elected officials can continue to debase themselves.

If you’re an elected official in our nation’s capital, I’d appreciate a few answers to a few simple questions. As to the rest, just think of it as constructive criticism.

1. Who’s idea was this? We need to find this person and bring them to a public square where we can pull down their pants and spank the shit out of them. Then we can make them wear a bright yellow dunce cap and force them to sit on a stool outside the Capitol building for at least a year. If they are ever found to be involved in anything even half as stupid as this again that requires the use of tax payer money, they will be shot without trial, simple as that.

2. If you were involved in this idiocy even peripherally, either send every American citizen a sincere apology note, or have the decency to step down now. You are clearly an idiot and even an idiot knows that he or she should not be involved in the making of laws.

3. How much did this nonsense cost? I’m not kidding, I really want an accounting of the costs involved in making English our National Language. I’ve been paying taxes for better than twenty years now and this past year my wife and I paid more than a hundred grand. How much of my money was spent on this inconceivable nonsense? I’m contacting my attorney to see if I can withhold next year’s payment to the IRS until I receive an answer, but either way, if you spent more than $3.50 on this then you owe the American people some dough.

4. Two journalists employed by The Washington Post referred to this issue’s debate in the Senate as “an emotional debate fraught with symbolism”. And I’m just not going to say anything else about that statement, other than to say that if it’s true, then anyone involved in the Senate’s debate should not be allowed to cross streets without a parent or legal guardian holding their hand.

5. Also according to the Post, “the measure, approved 63 to 34, directs the government to ‘preserve and enhance’ the role of English, without altering current laws that require some government documents and services be provided in other languages”. Go back and read that sentence again. Then go into the nearest restroom, place your head in the toilet bowl and flush ten times.

6. The vote was 63 to 34? So, evidently what we have here is two distinct groups running our legislature: dumb and dumber.

7. The Post went on to report: “The English-language debate has roiled U.S. politics for decades and, in some quarters, has been as controversial and important as an amendment to ban flag burning.” Ooooo, that important, huh? And here I thought that the War on Terror, the morbidly obese deficit, Iran’s nuclear ambitions, how Bill Clinton will look as the First Husband, and the like were the important issues.

8. The Post article also said that: “The impact of the language amendment was unclear even after its passage”. And that: “It also sets requirements that immigrants seeking U.S. citizenship know the English language and U.S. history”. There are millions of Americans that don’t know much about the English language—even “The Decider” knows that. And as to knowing U.S. history, my guess would be that anyone educated outside the U.S. knows a lot more than our high school grads.

9. Senator Inhofe (R-Okla) made a last minute change that made English the “national” language, as opposed to the “official” language, and I personally think that anyone caught agreeing or disagreeing with this change should be put to sleep.

10. Senator John McCain (R-Ariz) had the quote of the day, however. He said, as quoted by the Post, "In my view, we had it watered down enough to make it acceptable”. That from the man referred to as “the maverick”? Sen. McCain is considered to be the front-runner for the Republican candidate for President in 2008. Perfect, just fucking perfect.

Like I said in the beginning, I tried to ignore it, I really did. But, since the apparent morons in D.C. can’t get their priorities straight, someone has to do it for them.

Stop working on such stupid shit. Now. Apologize to the American people for squandering their hard earned money. If you must squander stupidly, go back to spending $2750.00 on toilet seats and DOD screwdrivers. At least those little gems make for funny sound bites on Jay Leno. This is just implausibly stupid and dreadfully sad.

English is our “national language,” whatever that means, and everyone on the planet knows that. The debate about this point, I’ll bet you, even made Bin Laden scratch his head and take pause thinking: “It must be a trick designed to make us think they’re even dumber than we already think they are.” Just for fun, I think France should go ahead and make English their “National Language” too. And Italy, Germany, Senegal, legislators around the globe should all get on board.

As to our neighbors to the south I can only say: ¿Nosotros está sí eso estúpido, pero podría tú enviar por favor a alguien encima para ayudarnos a construir nuestra cerca de 2.000 millas?

And Grazias… or rather Thanks! Just showing off my national pride.